Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Still my favorite headline of all time:
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My dog learned how to text
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin