Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.