*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.