I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Wednesday
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.