I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.