I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
You Might Also Like
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.