wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
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every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
*3.5 thank you very much.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone