due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
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Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand