So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
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Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
he looks great for his age
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
it be like that
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.