Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
You Might Also Like
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
it was love at first sight
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.