You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home