doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Guilty! 🤪
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Cha-ching is my safe word
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole