Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken