Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
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Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book