Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Meanwhile in Portland…
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.