Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees