Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
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Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”