Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad