I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
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ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
She was REALLY feeling it.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo