“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
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I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
(after sex)
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