I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
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It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Help Wanted
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?