Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Fight
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.