[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
🤣could you imagine
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
This is so me 😂😂
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”