I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
never ask a starfish for directions
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.