Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Steam Forums
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.