who called it hell and not heaven’t
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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
mathematically impossible
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.