My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?