Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
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My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!