If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
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*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.