cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol