[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
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Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
is this store having a stroke wtf
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.