Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed