kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers