[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
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Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
moms in horror movies
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
you will never know the true number of layers
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Not today
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog