*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
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[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Siri: Retweet me.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Not recommended for beginners.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.