It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
presenting your incognito window wrapped
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends