I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
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Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.