Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.