FRED: right
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I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids