The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
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Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.