My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
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What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My life in a nutshell
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?