A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*