Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
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every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means