I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
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8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
this has done me in for some reason
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.