Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
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carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell