nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
So true for me
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty