GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
You Might Also Like
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Beware of the dog..
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?