Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
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I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
any last words?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?