co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
You Might Also Like
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.