My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
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STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Someone just threatened to call me later
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Sorry not sorry.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me